The Fourth Day

So I went from this class to two solid blocks of Travel, in which I learned the rout to UALR, which is affectionately (or maybe not so affectionately?) called “ular” even though the pronunciation makes it sound as though the letter configuration is incorrect.

Anyway, the rout I learned…It’s from our campus to their Fitness Center. WSB has an arrangement with them that allows us to get student ID cards and utilize their fitness center.

From there, I came back and we had a group thing where we talked about the changes that take place or the emotions or difficutlies faced whenever you lose your vision. I totally advocated for (even though I never had to go through this actual experience) Rehabilitation counselors pushing clients to learn the use of techniques without sight at all, so that if they are losing their vision progressively, then whenever they lose it completely, they aren’t faced with having to relearn things…again.

Lunch was ok; not really all that good but life goes on. Then I took a WRAT, which informed them that I am technically capable of taking any of the certifications here if I wanted to. Meaning that I wouldn’t have problems understanding any of the material for any of the classes. I still think I’ll stick with technology, thankyaverymuch!

In the afternoon, I finished the last Math test, so hopefully I will be scheduled out of there. Once classes were over, I hung out with people til we went to Walmart.

This Walmart has a Subway, so of course I ate there instead of eating here before leaving. One of the things I got was a huge huge huge tub of these Tide Perfect Pods, which is like detergent, stain remover and brightener, all inside this little gel packet, which one drops into the wash and it dissolves as the water runs and it washes. It’s not that I can’t actually pour the detergent or anything; it’s more that since I’m not washing in my room or right next door to my apartment, I feel it’s going to be easier to carry to the laundry room in our hall.

I worked with Georgi on my Focus last night a little, and then Tim called, so I went to my room and spent some time talking to him. I’m going to try to find out today if there’s any way I can leave for a little while, because he’d really like to go back to work but he can’t work Ben and in order for him to go home, he needs to get to and from work, but more than that, he really does need someone to take care of Ben, because Ben pulling even just a little can really hurt him. I’m not sure they will let me but if they do, I think we’re going to do it.

This morning in Personal Management, I sewed two different buttons onto two different things-one a suit jacket and one a blouse-and tomorrow in there, i think I’m going to iorn stuff. Fun!

Now I’m in Keyboarding writing this, which I will have to post soon as the bell will ring momentarily. I’m glad I’ve been able to catch you all up for the most part, but since they’ve probably scheduled me out of Keyboarding for next week, I’m not sure how I’m going to do it then.

Either way, I’m sure I’ll find a way.

Today’s verse comes from 1 Corinthians 1:

25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
26 Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.
27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not —to nullify the things that are,
29 so that no one may boast before him.
30 It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.
31 Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

Definitely deep stuff! Father bless and keep you until next time!

So much to say … So little time to say it in …

Ok, so again, I’m stuck giving a run-down because I’ve waited tooo long for posting and just do not have enough time to talk about it all.

• Packed frantically for moving things to storage and suitcases that were going with me.
• Take Tim to the hospital two days in a row (just before I left for Little Rock, naturally!)
• Sit in hospital all night, wishing I wasn’t going, hating myself for going anyway, thinking surely I should stay, but knowing there was little I could do and being pressured to go anyway by various people, I left the hospital at 4:45 in the morning to catch my flight at 7:00.
• 2 flights with a Jack and Coke on each–now that’s what I call a good start to an already stressful day!
• Arrive at the airport, whereupon, I spend 20 minutes searching for the person who has been sent to retrieve me.
• Sonic–Ok, so Jack and Coke is good, but no match for a breakfast burrito in the nourishment department. Plus, ya know, all that Jack and no food equaled a slightly buzzed me.
• Arrive on campus, only to find that the packages that I had sent ahead courtesy of Amazon.com have not arrived yet. Wonderful. No sheets. No pillows. No blankets. No new shoes. Fun!
• Spend the afternoon orienting myself to the building and meeting fellow classmates (more on them later!)
• Dinner: the food is less-than-dog school quality, unfortunately.
• Monday: meetings to sign papers that say I’m ok with this and that and the other, and if I have any problems, I know who I’m supposed to go to etc. After that, classes which are mostly meant to evaluate me to see if I am capable of living independently (assuming I get a job.)
• Get my computer set up and get in the work that I hadn’t gotten to get in last week.
• Tuesday: more classes, which I am testing out of but which I have to officially keep coming to until I get an official schedule change. Fun! Except coming to my Keyboarding class this morning let me type this blog, so I guess I should stop whining about having to be here. To test out of cooking, I cooked spaghetti yesterday and had a couple people who I’ve made friends or gotten better acquainted with share lunch with me.
• Backing up to Sunday, Tim had his gall bladder removed and then they also discovered he had pneumonia, which made them keep him an extra couple days, but they are letting him go today, which is good.
• This morning, I sewed a button on a piece of fabric and packed a suitcase. Tomorrow I will sew the button onto an actual garment in personal management, and then I think I will be done with that class. Hopefully.
• Tonight we are going to Walmart, for which I am eternally grateful, because let me tell you all about how washing one’s hair with bar soap is not on the list of must-trys!
• I don’t get internet in my room so have had to use either study room computers for things or write on my computer and send later when I’m at a place where I do have internet. Thank God for my iPhone and its capabilities to connect to the net. I’m debating whether I should increase my internet plan considering I really don’t plan to pay for internet for my room. I had thought about it and it would be nice but really I don’t see the point when I already have to pay for internet for my phone, so I might as well just make it a large enough package that I can use it rather than having to have internet for my computer. Who knows yet?
• The evaluation period is supposed to last 30 days but obviously, I’ll be done probably by the end of this week, so who really knows what they plan to do with me. It would be nice if they had to send me home because the state would have to pay for it and I would be able to spend some more time with Tim before coming back for the program. I guess they say it depends on whether or not there is a seat in the ATI classroom what happens. I haven’t talked to anyone about it yet but I’m getting a feeling I will have to do that soon.

Really I’m glad I’m hear. I’m sad because I miss Tim and I hate that I’m not able to see and spend time with a lot of the people in Oxford who have come to mean so much to me, but I’m glad I’m going to get to go through this program. I really enjoy technology, and being here around so much of it reinforces just how much I do love it. Which reminds me: something I didn’t tell you yet is that I discovered, somehow, that my BookSense charger is broken, which means I have to buy a new one. Yea! Or something.

I hope all is well for each of you, wherever and whoever you are, and I’m glad you’ve taken the time to read about the craziness that is my life. I really do hope to be able to post more regularly, but if you look back through my posts, I say that frequently (or as frequently as I post, anyway.)

Happy, Hopeful, hurting, Humble

Ok so again, I haven’t written in a million years. I’m going to try to get the important stuff out here before I just ramble about my feelings on a lot of things as my title suggests.

School is wrapping up and I am totally glad. This semester has been crazy (ok, so was last semester but for different reasons) so I won’t be sad to see the back of it.

I’ve been meeting with Kim once a week just to hang out and encourage one another and that has been very nice. That is certainly one thing I will miss a lot whenever I leave.

I have worked a lot–I worked over Easter weekend because Tim was in Cincinnati and Aleeha was with her family–so I don’t have any awesome experience to write about. I woke and thanked the Lord for coming to save me from myself and for me, that was and is the only real significance. It would have been nice to celebrate His resurrection with someone special, but praising him and having time to spend just with Him was better than spending the day without knowing of His love and forgiveness and sacrifice.

Tuesday at work I took one of the online tests for my training for work. I was supposed to do the same on Thursday, but when I arrived, I found that they had asked a job coach come in and observe me to make recommendations for ways they could teach me better or make working there easier for me. I told them before they planned it and I told the guy whenever he came that I thought it was pointless because I was only going to be working there a few more weeks-a month at most-before it wouldn’t matter anymore, because I’m not even coming back for the fall. He said he could make the recommendations and whatever they did with them was up to them. So anyway, Monday I meet to take the sanitation test, which I will get paid to take, and Tuesday, hopefully, I can take the sexual harassment training and test, and I will be done with the testing.

Yesterday, I went to work and when home, met with Hope to sign the application officially for LWSB and also the amended plan for services from BSVI. We talked about the lagistics of the transition from Oxford to Little Rock and how to handle left over money from the University. Ultimately, as soon as the admissions coordinater gets back to us and lets us know the earliest date they have availible, that’s when I’ll go-which could be as early as the seventh of May.

I want to take a moment to write something for my friends Alex and Jessica because they will be married by this time next week and I am so happy for them. What I want to say is this: you guys are both very special people who I am blessed to know. We have had some problems separately and all together and I’m sure that friends go through that but please know that I wish you both the very best and hope that I am able to be around for the many years to come to encourage you both, to commiserate with you both, to support you both and love you both through all that will happen and cherish the friendship I have with you both and push you both to grow in one another and in Christ. Jessica you are young and strong-willed and short-tempered. You tend to form an opinion sometimes without having all sides of a situation and maybe even before bringing it to God, though I know I can’t be sure of that. That will be something that makes trouble for the two of you because you will have a short temper with Alex sometimes and you will be easily angered by small things having no way to get away from those little things that bother you. Alex you are older and because we lived together and loved together and shared together you know what it is like to live with the one you love, though it was before marriage and definitely out of God’s will, you do have some experience with this and know a little more how this can go. You are cautious and careful and worry easy. This will probably make some trouble for you both because you will worry about things that are under control or assume in some areas just when you think you have it under control that just because I did a wrong when we were together that Jessica may do that thing. Being with me was very hurtful for you because I was young and confused and made a lot of bad decisions that if I had made better ones, you would not have this cautiousness. But I can’t undo my mistakes you can’t pretend not to have these worries. The good news for both of you is that each of you have different weaknesses and different strengths. Together you can compliment one another if you allow yourselves. When God is the center of your relationship, you can make it through anything, and the years of love and laughter will prevail, because even when there are hard times, you can pray and you can count on God to pull you through, and as long as you make the decision to love one another and to stick to your wedding vows, nothing can tear you apart. I have a verse for each of you to please memorize and pray over. I have prayed for the two of you as a couple and as individuals and though I can’t be there at your wedding I am thinking of you all week as the anticipation builds and as the two of you prepare for this momentous commitment, I want you to both know that there is someone thinking of and praying for you. Jessica your verse is Ephesians 4:26-27: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.” As I said you will face anger and moments when you are so frustrated and refuse to be the first one to apologize, especially since you do not feel you were wrong so should not have to apologize when you were not the one who did wrong (in your own mind I mean.) But God’s word says that you cannot go to bed angry no matter what it takes to resolve that anger because that will give the devil a foothold in your marriage. I believe this to be true in any relationship, but especially in marriage when you are now to be as one, it would be hard to stop it once you started, because if you can go to bed angry one night, you can go to bed angry on another night, and yet one more etc etc. Please know that as your sister in Christ, I am commited to constantly praying for the two of you and for your quick temper. Alex your verse is Ephesians 5:28-31: “28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” As i said earlier, you worry and you are afraid and there are probably times you want to think that Jessica might do something that I did or maybe it is that you are afraid to give up some of the closeness with your mom and give that closeness to Jessica. Here I picked these verses to say that just as it is Jessica’s job to follow your lead, it is your job to take that lead, and to love and care for her. When you are afraid or worried about things that may never happen, you are doubting her. I know you both have done marriage counseling and maybe right now it doesn’t seem that these things are issues that you will face, but I am speaking to later, when it’s not just a few days or weeks together that will end once the vacation is up or once the holiday has finished. I’m talking to the days when the money isn’t there to pay the rent, the days when there are health problems or financial problems or housing problems or parenting problems. I’m talking about the time when your wedding vows are a far distant memory and when your first instinct will be to run back to your mom because she is the only woman who has ever stood by you and loved you. I hurt you and I messed that trust up for you, at least for a while, and maybe now you have that again with jessica, but the thing is, when something happens to shake that security or you have marital problems, you will worry again, and your first reaction might be to pull away from Jessica and trust only your mom. These verses are to remind you that not only are you supposed to be one with Jessica, not your mom, but also she needs you. She depends on you to care for her. I don’t mean in the materialistic sense-this is 2012-but she needs you the way you need her. The two of you have something precious. Don’t ever jeopardize it for the mistakes that I made. She is so much better for you than I ever could have been. I’m so happy for the two of you.

Wow. And now I’m supposed to follow that sappy encouraging stuff up with the frustrations in my own life. . . . Sure. . .

I am happy. Happy that Alex and Jessica found one another. Happy that Adriene got to move into the new apartment in Kansas City she wanted. Hopeful for her that her boyfriend will come home. Happy that this semester is almost over. Happy that I have such a wonderful friend in Kim. Happy that I’ve gotten the opportunity to go to LWSB to study assistive tech, because I could have been drug through this whole process for proving my right to go or through proving that there is no assistive tech program comparable to it closer than Arkansas. Happy that my professors have worked with me so much this semester because there have definitely been some issues, especially in the month that my braille display was gone.

I am hopeful. I’m hopeful that Alex and Jessica’s new life together is all they’ve hoped and dreamed it would be. Hopeful that Adriene’s boyfriend comes back soon. Hopeful that I pass all of my classes despite the trouble this semester. Hopeful that I get into LWSB sooner rather than later because I don’t want to spend my summer waiting on it to be time. Hopeful that somehow I can get out of my lease if I do get to go early. Hopeful that Tim and I can make it through this. Hopeful that we can work through our problems and when I finish the program I can get a job close enough for us to be long-distance until some things can be sorted out about what will happen to our relationship. I’m hopeful that I will enjoy the program as much as I think I will now and that I will learn things I didn’t know before. I’m hopeful that I will make new friends there and that I can have some time alone with God without distraction or temptation to sort out some of my feelings. I’m hopeful that my youngest brother can keep the job he has, that my stepsister can find a new job, that my mom and stepdad will have another job to go to after they finish the one in North Carolina, that the older of my two younger brothers has what he needs to provide for his precious baby girl, that my sister someday sees how I care for her and my nephew and want to be a bigger part of their lives, that my grandma stays healthy, that my cousin’s little girl stays healthy and that my cousin has what she needs to provide for her. I could list a lot more of the things that I’m hopeful for, but this is a good place to start.

I am hurting. I’m hurting for my sister Jessica who will leave all that she knows and loves to move to a big city that she’s afraid will eat her whole. I know she’s happy but there’s a sad part to, in that she won’t see her mother or family and friends as much as she used to, and all of the things that she has known to be one way or another are no longer what they once were. That no matter how you put it, is hurtful for her and I hurt with her, my sister, because it always helps to know that someone thinks of your pain. That no matter how happy things seem, there is always some sadness on the flip side of that happiness. I’m hurting for Adriene, because she has tried so hard to find love with a man who will love her and her children unconditionally, but once again is waiting for answers she may never get. She is hurting and though she may not read this, though she may not know I am thinking of her and though she chooses not to talk much to me, I pray for her and I hurt with her and I beg God everyday to show her the way that he would have her go. I know she wants to be happy but right now she’s hurting and she matters to me, so I am hurting, to. I’m hurting for my Memaw whose husband is very sick and she is trying to provide for by working but also to care for his health needs. She stresses with worry for different people in our family and that doesn’t help her take care of Pawpaw Haywood or to sleep at night so she can go to work and start all over again. I wish there was something I could do for her, and yet, all I can do is sit down each night and pray. That something would happen. That someone would step up to help or that some of the stress would stop existing. My God is greater and through Him alone we can do all things. I’m hurting over the problems that Tim and I are having. I want things to be better but it seems that we have good times or good feelings when coming together physically, but I can say i know that I am outside the will of God when doing that and feel we have gotten totally out of hand. I’m hurting because before I moved here we didn’t have this problem and our relationship was innocent and pure and we were in prayer and in God’s Word together everyday and choosing what he would want for us all the time. I’m hurting for Tim because even though we are making bad choices, I know that me leaving will be hard on him and I pray everyday that he would understand that sometimes loving someone is making a decision to allow them to go for the things they feel led to do, and if it’s God’s will for you to come together in a different season, then you will. I’m hurting because I want to rebuild what we have in a way that is free of the accusation and expectation and frustration that has filled this time together, but I just do not see that happening. It will be something I offer up to God in prayer a lot in the coming months because the confusion I feel over our relationship is hard to face every single day.

More than all of these things, though, I am humble. Before my God who makes all things work for the the good of those who love Him, I am humble. He has given me this family. These friends. This day to live and laugh and love and learn and breathe and bask in the outpouring of His mercy and grace. He has given me these problems to face because He knows that this is what I need now. No one likes to think that the problems in their life are good for them, because all they see at that moment is pain and maybe persecution by those who claim to love them most or maybe they face persuasion by those who claim to have their best interests in mind. Either way, no one likes to think that the difficulties that they face are good. But I know because I believe with all of my heart, that God is using this time in my life, these troubles, to speak to me and to mold me into the woman he wants me to be. I am somedays frustrated. I am somedays tired of reaching and reaching and reaching and feeling as though I will never reach the goal. But through it all I know that each day is bringing me closer and closer to a new truth in Christ–a truth I either don’t know yet and need to know or a truth that I’ve learned before but have forgotten and need to be reminded of.

And so most of all I am humbled. Because humility helps you to see the good in others and the positive that comes from situations rather than focusing on what you can do by yourself. I’m humbled by my God’s ability to bring each member of my family and each of my friends to the place where they are now. My youngest brother was searching and searching for a job and now he has one. I believe with all my heart that this was from God because he didn’t even know at the time how he would get to and from this job when he took it because he did not have a car. But God provided even a guy from the job who was willing to drive him to and from the 45 minutes each way. I’m humbled by the way God has reached into each of the lives around me and made something special and good out of something that could have been problematic or bad.

When I know nothing else, I know that I should try being humble, because I find a completely different perspective when doing so. I have much more than many, yet there are days when i complain about having to deal with this or that or the other. What does it matter? I at least have food and clothes and a place to sleep.

If you made it this far you get a cookie–I wasn’t even sure I would, so there!

Tomorrow I have to work and I started writing this post I think like an hour and a half or so ago. I guess that’s what happens whenever you have a lot to say. I want to close with a worship song that I have been feeling Jesus speaking to me through lately.

Sunny Saturday

So I’m once again at my favorite cafe having coffee and breakfast. I’ve got my braille display back and am using it to write this, because I missed it like that. I went yesterday to do my volunteer experience for the paper I have to write for one of my social work classes.

Hope did get the authorizations submited so that the checks should get sent any time now. This makes me happy, as I’ll be figuring out a storage unit plan soon for all my things while I’m gone to Arkansas. Speaking of checks, I got my first pay check for the production kitchen job yesterday. I promptly took it and deposited it.

I met with a group for one of my social work classes for a group project on Wednesday, and I met with the other group for the other social work class yesterday afternoon. Now that I did the volunteer experience, I need to write the paper. The Hunger Games came out yesterday and I was going to go see it, but I didn’t because it rained almost constantly yesterday evening. I think Aleeha, Tim and I will go tonight.

Today Tim went with Wayne to judge at a mock trial competition. I kind of think it would be cool to go see at least once. Thinking of that makes me think of the mock trial that I got to see the NFB lawyers put on when I went to the national convention in 2010.

The weather here has been very nice, and though the temperature dropped after it rained, it still didn’t drop so far that people are wearing jackets again.

I have been trying to get back in touch with people that for some reason I either stopped talking to because of Tim or lost contact with because I got busy etc. To that end, I started looking for people on foursquare that I didn’t have on my friends list, and am going to try to read people’s journals and comment more etc. I keep meaning to copy some of my entries from my WP to my LJ, but always forget or get distracted by something else.

Tomorrow we will go to Park because one of the members that we are very close to is a detective who is being sent back out on patrol, so he won’t be at church much anymore, and the praise team has allowed him to pick his favorite worship songs, and Tim is playing the drums for them.

My cousin’s little girl has been sick, so I’m a little worried for her, as she’s spent most of the couple months she’s been here in the hospital.

I haven’t heard from my brother, but maybe he’s just too busy. I should call, but when I do, it makes me feel like he only talks because he has to, because I called, not because he would have called me on his own.

I guess I should go for now, but I am sure I will write again soon.

The thing (or things) that get me!

This was written a few days ago at Morning Sun but for some reason it wouldn’t post. Now I do have my braille display but the rest is still pretty applicable.

Um ok. Let’s add ‘em up, shall we?

No braille display (still!)

Dad’s birthday (that’s a problem every year no matter what, but since it’s a stresser it still counts!)

Aleeha falls and sprains her ankle (again!) and we spend several hours at the hospital to find out what she already knows which is that she needs to put it on ice and walk on it as little as possible which means hobbling around on the crutches of doom for a few days which means needing someone (probably me) to come and bring her food and get things out of high shelves etc. And really it’s not that I mind this stuff, it’s just that it seems to want to happen all at once.

And apparently joking with mom about flirting with the server at my favorite cafe was a bad plan. Like I would do that or even if I would that he would look at me…sure. Ok. Being realistic here, I’m just another college kid he serves on a regular basis and just coming back to that already having a boyfriend factor… (who I come in to the cafe with regularly…) Right…Sure.

And I have a million things I should be doing besides blogging but who’s counting, right? Blogging is theraputic and honestly until I started again recently, I kind of forgot just how theraputic it is.

Drinking coffee at said cafe and trying to decide if I want to have breakfast or if I’m going to have it, exactly what I will have. There’s this awesome breakfast quesadilla they make which I really love that I might get but then again maybe just something simple like fruit and oatmeal or something.

I’ve tried to call Hope to see if there’s any progress on the two payments for rent they are behind or for the application for LWSB but it went straight to voicemail, so I guess I’ll do that later.

Friday there was a mix-up involving me covering for someone at work and an interview I had at another place for a job. So the girl wrote in and said she needed a cover. I wrote her saying I’d cover but couldn’t go in at the exact start of her shift because I had an interview, but I’d be happy to go in after that which would have been about halfway through. She write saying thanks and I ask her if that’s allowed because I’m new and don’t know. She says she’s sure it’s ok and I ask if she’s written to tell someone and she doesn’t get back to me very quickly so after my interview I call and speak to the student manager on that shift and she says well we never do part shifts; we don’t need you to come in. I ask if I’m in trouble and offer to share the e-mails proving I asked if that was allowed and clearly stating that I’m new and does she know for sure that I can do that. She says she wasn’t the student manager that got the e-mail saying I’d come in but she’d pass this information on to him and they’d get in touch to let me know what’s going on.

I haven’t heard anything all weekend and I’m really nervous I’ll get fired or written up over something that actually wasn’t my fault.

Wednesday in Etta’s class we watched a documentary on Katrina with an emphasis on the breaking of FEMA. I’m going to write a paper on that but really am appauled at the way the things that went on there, actually were. I know it was a disaster and I know it was sort of overwhelming but there were things that they could have done to prepare and a lot of different warnings they had even before the storm actually formed. I just can’t understand how something could be handled so badly or how there could be so much disregard for the loss of life.

Mom just called and wanted money for Blake which would be fine and I’d be willing to help if I actually had it, which makes the fact that I just wrote about calling Hope a little ironic.

Last night, I don’t know how it happened…but Tim slept at my apartment instead of me sleeping at his or us sleeping separately. I can say that I was sad and when I blogged last night it was just nice to have him there to comfort me which he actually tried very hard to do…and when I cried and cried until there were no tears left he was there to tell me that I wasn’t alone and that was so what I needed to hear last night because when I think of dad being gone I feel alone even though that’s stupid because I have my mom and grandmas and brothers and sister and just people who love me, it’s like with him gone, there’s still this big piece missing and no matter what everyone else does to make up for it, no one can make up for the fact that he’s gone. So anyway it was weird but ok I guess, except that was my space where I didn’t have to let anyone in or make excuses for my preferences or explain myself etc and now it doesn’t feel as private as it did before. Which is sad but I wasn’t alone last night and I guess that’s what counts. I at first didn’t really want anyone there because I usually do not like for people especially him to see me cry but then i felt it would be wrong to be like well i know you are trying to be kind and caring but oh well I still do not want you here. So when he said he would stay with me I let him even though there was a part of me that wanted to make him go home because having him there was better than not having anyone there at all.

And that of course brings me back to this thing with me going to LWSB. If I go and then get a job somewhere other than here, what does that do to us as a couple? Is it my fault if I am pursuing a career in something other than what I first planned and that this particular career will take me away from this area if he is focusing on his own career, to? Is it that because he is established already, I’m supposed to tailor my career around his, because I should be thinking of the “us” rather than just me? I feel that this is what he feels, and yet, I don’t feel that this would be the wrong mindset if we were married, because married means you are focused on the “us” rather than the “me.”

Tonight I will probably take Aleeha dinner and then we will have dinner together and maybe we will talk but maybe not because every time we talk about this we both get upset. I’m supposed to go walking with Kim this afternoon after Etta’s class; I’m looking forward to it very much.

Ok, the things that get me, because that’s what I said in my title.

1-Tim can use the “God’s Plan” card when things are what he wants (such as me staying here or staying in the Social Work field or coming back and waiting for an assistive tech job to come open in this area rather than taking just any job) but whenever I try to say that maybe it’s just not God’s plan for me to be here or for us to be together etc, then he doesn’t think that’s possible.

2-Any time I try to get caught up-not just in school work but house work, to-I inevitably get even further behind somehow.

3-People who claim to be all about equal rights turn out to be the people who drag their feet about getting change made in that area.

4-I’m kind to everyone. I offer to help when I can and probably help a little too much honestly, but it’s ok or I tell myself it is, because I’m a kind person and i enjoy doing kind things. But when I want someone or need someone to do a kind thing for me, everyone who I’ve done kind things for just can’t find time or resources etc. Why? Can I trade my kindness trait for something else-anything else?

5-Why is it that someone who wants something more than anything can strive and strive for it and never get it, but someone else who could care less either way gets it almost every single time?

Ok. Deep stuff. Sorry. Some good things because I just can’t end on a negative note.

1-I love myself. Maybe not the situation or situations I’m in right now, and maybe I wish I had a few more or different things than I do, but I do love myself. I’m not depressed or suicidal or self-distructive etc.

2-Coffee and blogging and the weather and positive atmospheres are all good things.

3-Friends may come and go and I may be sad or feel so-so, but allowing circumstances to hold me down will never produce good results. So I’m thankful for the inner strength that I have, because without it, who knows where I would find myself.

4-Spring is early. This makes things a lot more pleasant because there is a lot more sunshine and sunshine makes happy smiley people.

5-I really am looking forward to assistive tech training. I love technology and I love the idea that I will be able to help someone else learn about the options availible for their use, not just in an academic way, but in an attempt to obtain independence as well. For me, there is no better feeling than the knowledge that I can and I don’t need anyone to do it for me.

And on that note, I’m going to go prepare for Etta’s class.

Until next time…

Happy Birthday, Daddy… A little late…

Ok so I haven’t written yet this year and I try every year to do this and it’s after midnight but Aleeha was in the hospital for spraining her ankle…again! So I wasn’t able to write this before midnight.

This year it was a little harder and a little easier…but I’m afraid in the end every year will always be the same.

He’s gone and he’s never coming back and I have to face this big bad world without him and though I have a million people who love me and care and want to be there and though I am thankful for each and every one of them they are not him and it breaks my heart every time I think of it.

Some pluses for this year:

I was very busy. In the first half of the year I volunteered until I couldn’t stand up straight or took care of Tim or hung out with the Birchfields etc etc etc. Basically I didn’t let myself miss him.

In the second half of this year (year being time between each of his birthdays) I was in school and that has kept me very occupied and unable to feel very sorry for myself.

In past years it has been hard because I’ve been doing nothing or the equivalent of nothing and so it has been hard with nothing else to think about, to avoid thinking of him.

The negatives:

Tim is very close to his family and every time he goes to spend the weekend with them or his adad comes here to see him I am sad because I realize that I can never have the relationship with my dad that he does and in general probably will never have the relationship with my family that he has with his. Not because they love me less or because they want me less or think of me less etc but because I probably will never live as close to my family as he does to his and that will always be hard for me I think.

This year I have a song that totally fits what I feel a lot of times. You may see below.

Mumbnley jumbley

It has been forever since I’ve written a meaningful post, so it will be kind of hard to explain everything in great detail, but I feel the need to try. There are a lot of things going on right now, and to write down my feelings is a very theraputic thing, only I never have any time for it, so I don’t.

First I want to say that school is going well, except there is this one paper I’m having to do write now that I don’t really want to do, but otherwise, it’s going really well. I never knew that discussing philosophy would be so intriguing yet upsetting. There are some days where I just can’t stand this class but others where I feel I am learning important things about myself and my beliefs.

Anyway, back to the things that are going on in my life..

Tim and I have been having a lot of problems, but one of the things that I have done to take back that independence is to start talking to Rebecca again. No, Rebecca and I are not a couple, but she does matter to me as someone I consider (or have wanted to consider) a friend, and so instead of allowing Tim’s preferences to dictate my actions, I’ve stood up for my righ to be friends with her. Surprisingly, he has allowed it without much complaint, but before this, we fought a lot and I threatened to leave. In fact, I did leave for a few days and things were very different between us. Then, for some reason that I can’t really put into words, I gave in and we started talking about working things out.

The problems that are associated with working it out aren’t so much that I would have to deal with a dog or that I would have to deal with the fact that he doesn’t do much for himself, but with the fact that I have to accept that we will get married when he is ready, and when he thinks it is right, regardless of how much time we spend together or how much of ourselves and our livves we share. I can accept that he wants the best for us; that financially, he feels that he’s not ready. But I can’t accept that for him, finances are more important than happiness.

I grew up without a single extra penny…ever…and it wouldn’t hurt my kids to have to learn to be grateful for the few things they have. Not that I want them to go without. I definitely don’t. But I’d rather them go without and have to learn to be thankful for the small things and know that we are all happy, than for Tim and I, or whoever and I to wait until this precisely perfect time when we think all of the financial problems are solved to do the things that will make us happy.

I really want to just be happy with Tim, and I do love him, but it just seems we are on totally different levels for different things.

As an example: if Tim chooses not to learn to use a stove, will my child (when in his care alone) always eat microwaved food? If he won’t learn to pour anything unless it’s over the sink, will he learn to change a diaper? Will he be able to make a bottle?

I know that these things aren’t the most important aspects of a relationship, and if you really love a person, you can get past this stuff, but I have a hard time with the idea that as independent as I am, I have ended up with a guy who has chosen to live a life depending on others for so many other things.

If I didn’t do his laundry, he would either pay for it all to be dry cleaned or ask a friend to wash it for him. I don’t know if my problem with this is because it makes me, as a blind person, feel as though he represents blind people badly or if it bothers me because I know if I got sick and couldn’t clean, that he would rather have someone else see my private clothes or underwear etc than wash it himself. Not because he can’t (if he wanted to know he could learn) but because he just chooses not to. I would have to accept that someone else, (not chosen by me) would see my underwear. That, for me, really does feel weird. Not because I’m ashamed of whatever I wear, but because it makes me feel like I’m not really trusting my partner to take care of things at our house, but because I’m trusting some random person to take care of my house, and that may at some point, include my children. That is just odd.

I get sad because I want to find a way to make us work; angry because he expects me to wait until he thinks he’s exactly ready; sad for him because he doesn’t want better for himself; angry again because he believes he can dictate the outcome for us…etc. On and on it goes. And honestly I just feel like sometime, I will reach that point where I just can’t take the back-and-forth again.

It has taken me several sessions to write this post, and even now I don’t know how to end it.

Things go on; we spend time together; I get angry and get over it, but I know that this constant state of upset is not how I want to live my life.

I eventually want to find some stability–not only in physical location–but in emotional aspects of my life, to.

I’m afraid I won’t really have that with Tim and that makes me sad.

You know, I really should be writing about the happy things in my life. I have a job working for one of the production kitchens on-campus. I’m going to go on Friday to apply for a job with the transportation service as a dispatch person in the evenings. I’ve found that I really enjoy going to breakfast at this really nice little place called Morning Sun cafe. I really enjoy going in the evenings to have a drink at this place around the corner from it called Stella’s. I should write about how I dropped my braille display and I’ve been without it for a couple weeks and have felt absolutely lost. I should write about how I’ve written several papers this semester pertaining to social work and I’ve decided that I probably don’t want to do that.

But I’ve been so upset that the things going on between Tim and I have gotten me to the point where I’m not really thinking of much except our problems. And honestly that’s sad. That I’m so caught up in our problems that I’m spending more energy focused on what’s wrong rather than what’s right. Who wants to do that with their life?

Tonight, he and I are going to have dinner with Kim and Ben and a few friends. I’m looking forward to this, mostly because we haven’t seen them in so long.

This afternoon, I’ll be speaking with Hope about a possibility of switching my major completely, and just going to Arkansas to be trained as an assistive technology instructor. People ask me if I’ve given up on my goal to be an attorney, and the short answer is no. There is a longer answer that explains my strange logic, but I will shorten it as best as I can by saying that basically, I have spent the past several years of my life running around doing whatever I wanted to do, not considering what I would do for my education. Now, here I am, almost 25, and not even finished with an associates degree. I want to settle somewhere, with a job that will at least pay my bills and allow me to put down on a house and decide whether to adopt kids or foster or whatever, and then I can go to school part-time or not go at all or decide later or whatever. At that point, though, I would be putting myself through school and not depending on the state. I would be paying taxes and not depending on the government for everything I need. Maybe I would still struggle, but all that I had, it would be mine; not something someone else gave me. I have a lot of pride probably where that is concerned and shame, or not shame exactly, but maybe reluctance, to be on governmental support, and if I can get off of it sooner rather than later, then that’s what I want to do.

I like assistive technology. I’m good with assistive technology. I like helping people realize what’s availible to them. What would be wrong with having a job where I get to do things I’m already good at and to a certain degree, already do?

I’m sure someone will judge me by reading this post and of course, that’s their perogative, but I would just like to say that it’s a bit hasty of anyone to judge me before you have been in my position, and you can’t really say what you would do in my shoes unless you’ve been there.

On that note, I’m going to post this and get ready to go to a meeting with my philosophy professor at noon.

Until next time I write…