Happy birthday, Daddy

Ok…What’s new? I haven’t written in about a month and a half. Are you really that surprised? If you are, you haven’t been reading me too terribly long, otherwise you’d know that this occurs (frequently!)

Lots of things have happened; this month has been very emotional. It’s been long. If it’s not in this post, don’t ask about it. Just know that this month was very emotional–both for me and for others around me.

Tim came home after his surgery and then for Valentine’s I made bacon egg and cheese biscuits for breakfast; he sent flowers; we both went to work and then in the evening, we had dinner together and I baked a heart-shaped cake.

Check out the video I did of the finished product.

I’m not sure how easily you can see it but I did describe it the best I could for any blind or low-vision viewers.

Tim went home the weekend following Valentine’s both to watch the Daytona 500 with his dad as well as to go to another doctor’s appointment on the monday after that. Whenever he came home Monday evening…well that’s when things exploded.

It came down to something that I had done wrong and which he did not know if we could make it past. We spent the entire week searching together and separately for answers that we at first could not seem to find. Finally, friday evening he came to me and we talked and it went something like this but pass the kleen-x before I tell it, wouldya? Otherwise I’ll get your shirt a little wetter than just damp…

Him: “You know I’m very hurt and how could you? I love you and I wouldn’t do something like this to you. How could you do it to me?”
Me: “I am very sorry. I know that sorry doesn’t make it better but I do love you and I would do whatever it took to show you that.”
Him: “If I try there can’t be anything like this ever again I can’t take it I’m not strong enough are you sure we can make it through this because I know I can’t do this on my own…”
Me: “I can. I love you and I will hold you and reassure you and do whatever it will take to show you my commitment to you and to what we have.”

Well it was a lot more intense than this but I’m being vague because I just do not think that it needs to be all out there. If you were a part of the situation, you know what happened and you understand what I am saying here, but trust me that being part of the situation didn’t make anyone special. Being part of the situation was only a painful thing.

What I have learned from this bump in the road: Love conquers.

There is nothing greater than love and this has never been more apparent to me. Ever. In my whole entire life except whenever I knew that God had forgiven me for all of my sins and washed me white as snow. But humans…we don’t usually have the ability to love this way…we are not as strong as the All Mighty One. We are not as steadfast.

When he took me in his arms and said that he wanted to work this thing out, I couldn’t believe it. By all rights, he should have said that he couldn’t. I had broken his trust and there was no way we could get past it. Not because he couldn’t forgive me but because he didn’t think he could rebuild that kind of trust in me. I’m thankful but to know that he loves me enough to try again after it was just an overwhelming feeling.

My niece Autym Rose Herrin was born on Febuary 25th. This puts 3 birthdays in my family in Febuary and all in a row. The 23rd, the 24th and now Autym on the 25th.

I’ve been volunteering at a women’s care center since early febuary and working with a blind high school student on daily living skills for a few weeks now. Yesterday we baked a cake together and worked on measuring ingredients accurately as well as washing dishes.

For the women’s care center, I work Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 10 until 3 usually. I meet with the student on Tuesdays (usually, though yesterday was an exception) after school.

Trial for the law suit is March 28th to the 30th. I leave on the 27th and come back on the 31st.

The title of the post is confusing, maybe. Let me unconfuse you. Today is my Dad’s birthday. I miss him an awful lot. It’s not something I talk a lot about; no one else does and I know no one really understands why i miss him so much since there were things that he did that I’m not proud of…but in the end, he was my Dad. I have a wonderful stepdad and an equally special x-stepdad (who still claims me as his stepdaughter, even though he has beautiful biological girls of his own and is re-married…) But they came later and though they will always be there for me, they aren’t my biological dad and…I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t mean to imply that they don’t matter or that I think they love me less, but I mean that my bond with each of them is different…and having them does not lessen the sadness of not having the one that I don’t have. I’m lucky, really. I have people in my life who love me and I’m really trying to find a place with this particular thing where I see the positive instead of the negative…but it’s really hard. He won’t walk me down the aisle; he won’t hold his first grandchild (Autym) and he won’t hold any I ever have for him, either; he won’t see me graduate from college; he won’t see me get my first job as an attorney. He will watch all of this from heaven…but it doesn’t stop me wishing that he would be here in person.

Today I think, I’m going to sign up for classes. We’ll see how successful that is.

I’m doing a bible study with our church based on the book “Outlive Your Life” by Max Lucado. It’s really speaking to me. Tim and I are reading the actual book together.

I’m finally singing with the praise team on sundays. I was a bit nervous at first but have slid into the routine very well. I feel so peaceful when I’m praising in song.

I should write more but I’m too distracted to write much today. This post should be longer; I should write more about my feelings or more detailed things about what’s going on for me…but right now I just don’t have the focus for it.

I hope that you are all well and I’ll try to write again soon.

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