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Today I signed my plan for the technology that has been recommended for me as well as tuition and books and supplies etc. I meant to take BCRTA, but of course, they had to screw up things again. Luckily for me, Kim was kind enough to say she would take me whenever I asked if she knew if anyone could.

Saturday morning, Tim got a call from his dad, and the long and short of it is that we didn’t go on Sunday…again.

This should not surprise me; we’ve been planning this and it’s been falling apart a lot, but it’s hard whenever I psych myself up for it and worry over what to wear, what to talk about, how to answer particular questions, blah blah blah, and then it doesn’t happen. I worry about making a good impression. I worry about them thinking that I’m not good enough for him, and, let’s face it: they would have good reason to worry. My past is not picture perfect.

Anyway, when we found out, I just laid down and cried. I felt so sad. I can’t really explain why, but I guess kind of like, because I keep getting excited and nervous and thinking and planning inside my head for this meeting and then at the last minute it seems, it never happens.

Sunday we went to church in the morning and then watched closing arguments in the afternoon. In the evening, we attended house church at the Birchfields’.

That evening,I mentioned to Andrea that I was thinking of asking Jason to help me build a cart for carrying groceries back from Croger and I wondered how she thought he’d take it. She mentioned to me at that time that she had a cart bought for her that she never used because pushing her son’s stroller makes it a little difficult to push a cart and she’d be glad to give it to me if I would use it instead of it sitting in the garage, so I told her I would and Jason got it out for me.

After our evening with the Birchfields, we went to a fireworks display, after which I got a light (as in dark and light, not heavy and light) headache. On our way back, Spenser stopped to get me some Migrane meds which didn’t help.

Monday morning we watched more closing arguments and in the evening, I loaded my new cart up with all sorts of crap for a picnic and took Tim as a surprise to the park to share it with him. While there we met a pastor and he wanted to pray with us which was very nice of him.

Yesterday I packed for Tim’s trip to Cincinnati and then just read all day. Today Kim took me to my appointment and then I came back and read because the internet wasn’t working. I spoke with someone in the disability services office who told me that I basically say to the registrar’s office that I am a student with a disability and that should allow me to make my schedule essentially whenever I want, and if they don’t believe that I have a disability, then they are free to check with the director of Students with Disabilities Services. I called to say just that, but sat on hold without any response from anyone for like ten minutes before I gave up and hung up.

I need to do some laundry, but that will probably wait til sometime friday, since I plan to go tomorrow to CFS. There is no praise practice or bible study due to the fact that a member of our church died and everyone will be attending that funeral tomorrow. Friday morning, I think I will just go to the university to try to sort out both the scheduling issue as well as the residency issue. Basically, I need a letter stating that I did begin living in Ohio in August, but I have been unable to get in touch with Josh and Beth so he can write it.

I also need to check and see if my cane was sent for sure, because it’s still not here.

Whenever Tim gets back, we’re going to work through the Beth Moore bible study for Esther, even though it’s supposedly for women, because we’ve been reading through Esther together.

Sunday after church, I approached our pastor about wanting to start a prayer group. Whenever we did the “Outlive Your Life” study, it really truly stuck with me that out of all the things in the world that we can do, prayer is absolutely the most important; the most powerful. God listens to us and delights in our prayers. He hears us and wants us to talk to him, yet we choose to minimize its effectiveness because we feel as though we’re not “doing something.” Prayer is most certainly “doing something” and in fact, it’s the most powerful “something” you will ever do.

Dinner tonight at the Birchfields’ was nice; Kim had invited a new woman named Amelia to join us.

Last night I submited an application to
Mojo Radio
to be a DJ for them. I’m thinking it will be a very new thing. I’ve thought of also submitting an application to
HKC Radio
but my setup isn’t anything like what those guys use, so I’m a little hesitant. I would apply to DJ for
Jammin Jerry Radio Network
but I know they’re in the process of moving and so I’m not terribly sure if they’re taking applications right now. Basically, I want to do shows on any station that will have me because I feel it’s just one more way that I could potentially share God with others.

Enough from me for now. I will end with a final thing that I read this week from
Shee Seeks.

Grow Up

Of all the seasons of my life thus far, I dare say this is one of the most difficult.

The other day the negative phone calls, the critical emails, the frustrating people and the outstanding bills began to settle in my soul.

As the sun started to set, I went for a walk through my neighborhood.

Down the street were bright-blue blooming hydrangea bushes, deep-red rose bushes and the greenest grass that hot days offer. The cool summer evening air settled on my skin and I took one of the deepest breaths my lungs could hold.

I slowly exhaled and thought, “Life. Exhausts. Me.”

A hot wooden bench at a nearby park beckoned me to sit where I could allow my mind to drift.

I sat down to notice three kids chasing down a soccer ball. Memories of my childhood summers came to mind while I watched them play.

Back then, summers enticed me with things like snow cones. I would pretend it was flavored snow from the Swiss Alps. Or carefree bike rides where I mastered being able to stand on the bike seat while the bike was still moving [major skills, major]. I had my own bike-circus in our cul-de-sac. And even pool water that turned my hair green made me believe I could be a mermaid.

Lazy childhood summer days. I knew who I was. Life was cool and fun. And if I didn’t know the answer, most likely my dad did.

So as my mind teetered from my dreamy childhood to full-blown-hormones-and-everything womanhood, I thought about this verse:

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” [1 Corinthians 13:11]

Grow up.

Those are some fighting words. But the truth is, sometimes I need to hear it. I’m not a child anymore. I’m a grown woman who has responsibilities. Life is not always going to be cool and fun. And apparently, snow cones are not good for the hips.

But just because we have days [weeks, months or years] that drain us doesn’t mean we should take the melodramatic response of thinking our entire life is a hot-mess.

~ Growing up [in faith] is being able to look past the circumstances of today and lose myself in God’s passion for my future.

~ Growing up [in faith] means it is more important to know who I am, rather than who I was or who I want to be.

~ Growing up [in faith] teaches me that just because Jesus told us not to worry [Matthew 6:34] doesn’t mean we live in denial.

So while growing up offers many challenges it also offers a mature attitude and perspective. I alone am responsible for the condition of my heart. Hardships will come, days will be trying but seasons will change.

I’m taking that deep breath again and exhaling these truths.

I think on that phrase and I laugh a little. I remember telling friends that when I was a few years younger. We’d fight and someone would get upset over something stupid and I’d look over and say, ‘grow up! That’s so childish!’

So often I do find myself getting upset about things that are so stupid.

This spoke to me because too easily I see what is here and now rather than the big picture. When I read this, the song that popped into my head is this:

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One thought on “Blah . blah . blah . blahblahblahblahblah

  1. Rose

    Thank you for this, I needed it today. I truly hope that things get so much better. I love you.

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