I wrote this on November 29th and for some reason saved it as a draft and forgot to ever go back and post it. Obviously I’ve worked through a lot of feelings and dealt with a lot of things since I wrote this, but I felt that it captured a very important time and experience in my feelings, and because of that, I should post it, even though it was months ago.
I was somewhere; I’m not sure where. I’d like to say that it was Tim’s apartment but it didn’t feel like Tim’s apartment. All I know is that I wore shorts and a t-shirt (what I always wear to bed when I am with him) and was lying on a bed. Then Tim was there; he was dressed as he always is for bed and we were laughing about something. Then he laid down with me as he always does and I put my arms around him.
We laid there for a few minutes as we sometimes do; just listening to the stillness; the silence; feeling one another. So happy; so peaceful; so content. I kissed him. He kissed me back. We lay there for some time just holding one another and kissing. His hands softly touching my face; me gently rubbing his back.
It was the same as it always is with us, yet it was different and I don’t really know how to describe it.
Always when I have dreamed of him before it has been things we’ve done or places we’ve gone together. Once I dreamed about us walking in the park; we’ve done that in real-life. Once I dreamed about going out to dinner with him; we’ve done that countless times in real-life. This, though it to, is something we’ve done several times, did not seem the same.
Perhaps one difference is that other dreams were focused on us in public together, enjoying ourselves but away from his apartment. During the day I don’t shy away from imagining hugs and kisses; it’s the thing that makes me smile whenever I am frustrated by something or feel a situation is hopeless. But this…this was something altogether new. I am afraid that it is something that I shouldn’t do, though I’m not entirely sure why. It’s not as though one can pick their dreams. It’s not as though I deliberately said, “Ok, I’m going to dream this tonight.”
I think another reason that this dream stood out to me is that I remember starting to have _the _dream, but somehow I ended up dreaming this.
Whenever I start dreaming of the thing, I try to wake myself up sometimes or reach for somethingdifferent to think of. Sometimes I can wake myself up, sometimes not. I can’t think of a time when I’ve succeeded in changing the dream to something good, but I may just have forgotten. So I guess what I’m saying is that I think that my mind reached for Tim, because he is the thing that I…feel is…well is safe.
To re-read what I just wrote, it seems as though I have reached a new awareness–a new level of my trust in him. It’s like I tell him I trust him and though I believed it; wanted it to be true, I don’t know that I really truly knew for sure that I trusted him.
Several weekends, I have slept next to him. Several weekends, I have fallen asleep with him in my arms. Kissing him, talking to him, reassuring him. All the time, he wonders if he gives me enough comfort; enough reassurance. I always tell him he does, and I mean that, but how do you explain to someone that just by being there and being who you are and acting the way you act that you are reassuring someone?
He has never put his hands on me in an inappropriate way; he doesn’t suggest that we act impurely. It’s not that I’m an innocent girl who has never been involved on a sexual level; I definitely have. But not really with men and anyway, now that I have rededicated my life to God, it isn’t the way I want to act. Regardless of that, though, there is the fact that I am truly afraid of having intercourse.