This is the question i’ve been asking for several months now.
It seems that just as I think that things are straightened out for me to attend school, something else comes up and it has to be put off for a while.
The most recent difficulty has been whether or not I am considered, for tuition purposes, a resident of Ohio.
So a week ago–maybe a little more–I turned in the application and all of its accompanying documents, hoping that they would say “yes.”
Monday evening I had group and it was a very emotional thing for me. I shot a vid but I don’t have it online yet, so at some point I will share, but basically, we wrote the things I’d written on my plate the week before but that I didn’t break (negative things that we wish weren’t in our lives but were because of the abuse) and we burned them. One of the leaders of the group wrote everything I had written on my plate on a piece of paper, and then we put that piece of paper into an empty pickle jar and then we struck matches and set it on fire.
We watched til it was nothing but ashes and then we took it back inside. The whole time I was praying and thanking God for loving me enough to save me from myself. Praying that he could just help me get passed all these negative feelings and fears and worries and concerns. Praying that he would just help me relinquish them; lay them at his feet.
And then miraculously–or maybe not so miraculously–I did.
It was though the smoke drifting up and away from me was those worries and fears and they were passing from my hands (where the jar was) into God’s and as they went, so did the heaviness I have felt for so long about the abuse. All my fear of men, all my fear of passion, all my fear of unexpected things. Just gone.
I realized a lot about the anger that I had been holding onto and when the next day i spoke to my mom on the phone, I talked to her about a lot of this.
Tuesday I made breakfast and got Tim off to work as I always do and broadcasted my first show on Mojo Radio.
After the broadcast, I went to the University and worked with the Travel instructor on a lot of where my classes are. There is one class that he wants to try to get moved and if he does it will be good, because from the one building to the other is fairly close to impossible.
Once finished there, I came home and though we were supposed to have cheese burgers for dinner, I was tired and he was hungry and i was hungry so we ended up making pizza which was a little easier.
Wednesday I cleaned at his house mostly doing laundry and then we went to dinner with the Birchfields in the evening, which was nice because Tim finally got his birthday present from me. it was a Clue game all marked and ready to play by a blind person. I am so very thankful for Kimmy.
Yesterday I don’t really remember exactly what we did except we looked at the financial aid stuff I was supposed to look at. I don’t really have any more answers now than I did then except if i take anything it’ll probably be a subsidised loan so that all I have to worry about paying back is the actual loan amount. In the evening we played the Clue game together though we did not actually work until we solved it.
Today i washed and dried blankets and sheets and remade bed and then we went to a game night at ben’s apartment complex. They have a theater and pool etc so we played Clue in the back of the theater, then a hand of Uno, and then we swam. I was really excited about that because I haven’t been swimming in some time.
Tomorrow holds I-don’t-know-what, but Sunday is supposed to be made up of birthday party for MJ.
The only thing about that is that Sheila isn’t feeling well and if she isn’t feeling well by tomorrow the party probably won’t happen. Either way, Sunday is raceday, so that’s a reason to be happy all its own.
Tim and I have been playing this racing game on our phones the past few days and it’s very adicting. I’m listening to him play as I write this and it’s taking all of the self-discipline I have to finish writing this without rushing.
I smell like chlorine and feel like I’ve been especially salted or dehydrated, but perhaps I’m just tired.
Ok, enough from me for now.