It has been forever since I’ve written a meaningful post, so it will be kind of hard to explain everything in great detail, but I feel the need to try. There are a lot of things going on right now, and to write down my feelings is a very theraputic thing, only I never have any time for it, so I don’t.
First I want to say that school is going well, except there is this one paper I’m having to do write now that I don’t really want to do, but otherwise, it’s going really well. I never knew that discussing philosophy would be so intriguing yet upsetting. There are some days where I just can’t stand this class but others where I feel I am learning important things about myself and my beliefs.
Anyway, back to the things that are going on in my life..
Tim and I have been having a lot of problems, but one of the things that I have done to take back that independence is to start talking to Rebecca again. No, Rebecca and I are not a couple, but she does matter to me as someone I consider (or have wanted to consider) a friend, and so instead of allowing Tim’s preferences to dictate my actions, I’ve stood up for my righ to be friends with her. Surprisingly, he has allowed it without much complaint, but before this, we fought a lot and I threatened to leave. In fact, I did leave for a few days and things were very different between us. Then, for some reason that I can’t really put into words, I gave in and we started talking about working things out.
The problems that are associated with working it out aren’t so much that I would have to deal with a dog or that I would have to deal with the fact that he doesn’t do much for himself, but with the fact that I have to accept that we will get married when he is ready, and when he thinks it is right, regardless of how much time we spend together or how much of ourselves and our livves we share. I can accept that he wants the best for us; that financially, he feels that he’s not ready. But I can’t accept that for him, finances are more important than happiness.
I grew up without a single extra penny…ever…and it wouldn’t hurt my kids to have to learn to be grateful for the few things they have. Not that I want them to go without. I definitely don’t. But I’d rather them go without and have to learn to be thankful for the small things and know that we are all happy, than for Tim and I, or whoever and I to wait until this precisely perfect time when we think all of the financial problems are solved to do the things that will make us happy.
I really want to just be happy with Tim, and I do love him, but it just seems we are on totally different levels for different things.
As an example: if Tim chooses not to learn to use a stove, will my child (when in his care alone) always eat microwaved food? If he won’t learn to pour anything unless it’s over the sink, will he learn to change a diaper? Will he be able to make a bottle?
I know that these things aren’t the most important aspects of a relationship, and if you really love a person, you can get past this stuff, but I have a hard time with the idea that as independent as I am, I have ended up with a guy who has chosen to live a life depending on others for so many other things.
If I didn’t do his laundry, he would either pay for it all to be dry cleaned or ask a friend to wash it for him. I don’t know if my problem with this is because it makes me, as a blind person, feel as though he represents blind people badly or if it bothers me because I know if I got sick and couldn’t clean, that he would rather have someone else see my private clothes or underwear etc than wash it himself. Not because he can’t (if he wanted to know he could learn) but because he just chooses not to. I would have to accept that someone else, (not chosen by me) would see my underwear. That, for me, really does feel weird. Not because I’m ashamed of whatever I wear, but because it makes me feel like I’m not really trusting my partner to take care of things at our house, but because I’m trusting some random person to take care of my house, and that may at some point, include my children. That is just odd.
I get sad because I want to find a way to make us work; angry because he expects me to wait until he thinks he’s exactly ready; sad for him because he doesn’t want better for himself; angry again because he believes he can dictate the outcome for us…etc. On and on it goes. And honestly I just feel like sometime, I will reach that point where I just can’t take the back-and-forth again.
It has taken me several sessions to write this post, and even now I don’t know how to end it.
Things go on; we spend time together; I get angry and get over it, but I know that this constant state of upset is not how I want to live my life.
I eventually want to find some stability–not only in physical location–but in emotional aspects of my life, to.
I’m afraid I won’t really have that with Tim and that makes me sad.
You know, I really should be writing about the happy things in my life. I have a job working for one of the production kitchens on-campus. I’m going to go on Friday to apply for a job with the transportation service as a dispatch person in the evenings. I’ve found that I really enjoy going to breakfast at this really nice little place called Morning Sun cafe. I really enjoy going in the evenings to have a drink at this place around the corner from it called Stella’s. I should write about how I dropped my braille display and I’ve been without it for a couple weeks and have felt absolutely lost. I should write about how I’ve written several papers this semester pertaining to social work and I’ve decided that I probably don’t want to do that.
But I’ve been so upset that the things going on between Tim and I have gotten me to the point where I’m not really thinking of much except our problems. And honestly that’s sad. That I’m so caught up in our problems that I’m spending more energy focused on what’s wrong rather than what’s right. Who wants to do that with their life?
Tonight, he and I are going to have dinner with Kim and Ben and a few friends. I’m looking forward to this, mostly because we haven’t seen them in so long.
This afternoon, I’ll be speaking with Hope about a possibility of switching my major completely, and just going to Arkansas to be trained as an assistive technology instructor. People ask me if I’ve given up on my goal to be an attorney, and the short answer is no. There is a longer answer that explains my strange logic, but I will shorten it as best as I can by saying that basically, I have spent the past several years of my life running around doing whatever I wanted to do, not considering what I would do for my education. Now, here I am, almost 25, and not even finished with an associates degree. I want to settle somewhere, with a job that will at least pay my bills and allow me to put down on a house and decide whether to adopt kids or foster or whatever, and then I can go to school part-time or not go at all or decide later or whatever. At that point, though, I would be putting myself through school and not depending on the state. I would be paying taxes and not depending on the government for everything I need. Maybe I would still struggle, but all that I had, it would be mine; not something someone else gave me. I have a lot of pride probably where that is concerned and shame, or not shame exactly, but maybe reluctance, to be on governmental support, and if I can get off of it sooner rather than later, then that’s what I want to do.
I like assistive technology. I’m good with assistive technology. I like helping people realize what’s availible to them. What would be wrong with having a job where I get to do things I’m already good at and to a certain degree, already do?
I’m sure someone will judge me by reading this post and of course, that’s their perogative, but I would just like to say that it’s a bit hasty of anyone to judge me before you have been in my position, and you can’t really say what you would do in my shoes unless you’ve been there.
On that note, I’m going to post this and get ready to go to a meeting with my philosophy professor at noon.
Until next time I write…