This was written a few days ago at Morning Sun but for some reason it wouldn’t post. Now I do have my braille display but the rest is still pretty applicable.
Um ok. Let’s add ’em up, shall we?
No braille display (still!)
Dad’s birthday (that’s a problem every year no matter what, but since it’s a stresser it still counts!)
Aleeha falls and sprains her ankle (again!) and we spend several hours at the hospital to find out what she already knows which is that she needs to put it on ice and walk on it as little as possible which means hobbling around on the crutches of doom for a few days which means needing someone (probably me) to come and bring her food and get things out of high shelves etc. And really it’s not that I mind this stuff, it’s just that it seems to want to happen all at once.
And apparently joking with mom about flirting with the server at my favorite cafe was a bad plan. Like I would do that or even if I would that he would look at me…sure. Ok. Being realistic here, I’m just another college kid he serves on a regular basis and just coming back to that already having a boyfriend factor… (who I come in to the cafe with regularly…) Right…Sure.
And I have a million things I should be doing besides blogging but who’s counting, right? Blogging is theraputic and honestly until I started again recently, I kind of forgot just how theraputic it is.
Drinking coffee at said cafe and trying to decide if I want to have breakfast or if I’m going to have it, exactly what I will have. There’s this awesome breakfast quesadilla they make which I really love that I might get but then again maybe just something simple like fruit and oatmeal or something.
I’ve tried to call Hope to see if there’s any progress on the two payments for rent they are behind or for the application for LWSB but it went straight to voicemail, so I guess I’ll do that later.
Friday there was a mix-up involving me covering for someone at work and an interview I had at another place for a job. So the girl wrote in and said she needed a cover. I wrote her saying I’d cover but couldn’t go in at the exact start of her shift because I had an interview, but I’d be happy to go in after that which would have been about halfway through. She write saying thanks and I ask her if that’s allowed because I’m new and don’t know. She says she’s sure it’s ok and I ask if she’s written to tell someone and she doesn’t get back to me very quickly so after my interview I call and speak to the student manager on that shift and she says well we never do part shifts; we don’t need you to come in. I ask if I’m in trouble and offer to share the e-mails proving I asked if that was allowed and clearly stating that I’m new and does she know for sure that I can do that. She says she wasn’t the student manager that got the e-mail saying I’d come in but she’d pass this information on to him and they’d get in touch to let me know what’s going on.
I haven’t heard anything all weekend and I’m really nervous I’ll get fired or written up over something that actually wasn’t my fault.
Wednesday in Etta’s class we watched a documentary on Katrina with an emphasis on the breaking of FEMA. I’m going to write a paper on that but really am appauled at the way the things that went on there, actually were. I know it was a disaster and I know it was sort of overwhelming but there were things that they could have done to prepare and a lot of different warnings they had even before the storm actually formed. I just can’t understand how something could be handled so badly or how there could be so much disregard for the loss of life.
Mom just called and wanted money for Blake which would be fine and I’d be willing to help if I actually had it, which makes the fact that I just wrote about calling Hope a little ironic.
Last night, I don’t know how it happened…but Tim slept at my apartment instead of me sleeping at his or us sleeping separately. I can say that I was sad and when I blogged last night it was just nice to have him there to comfort me which he actually tried very hard to do…and when I cried and cried until there were no tears left he was there to tell me that I wasn’t alone and that was so what I needed to hear last night because when I think of dad being gone I feel alone even though that’s stupid because I have my mom and grandmas and brothers and sister and just people who love me, it’s like with him gone, there’s still this big piece missing and no matter what everyone else does to make up for it, no one can make up for the fact that he’s gone. So anyway it was weird but ok I guess, except that was my space where I didn’t have to let anyone in or make excuses for my preferences or explain myself etc and now it doesn’t feel as private as it did before. Which is sad but I wasn’t alone last night and I guess that’s what counts. I at first didn’t really want anyone there because I usually do not like for people especially him to see me cry but then i felt it would be wrong to be like well i know you are trying to be kind and caring but oh well I still do not want you here. So when he said he would stay with me I let him even though there was a part of me that wanted to make him go home because having him there was better than not having anyone there at all.
And that of course brings me back to this thing with me going to LWSB. If I go and then get a job somewhere other than here, what does that do to us as a couple? Is it my fault if I am pursuing a career in something other than what I first planned and that this particular career will take me away from this area if he is focusing on his own career, to? Is it that because he is established already, I’m supposed to tailor my career around his, because I should be thinking of the “us” rather than just me? I feel that this is what he feels, and yet, I don’t feel that this would be the wrong mindset if we were married, because married means you are focused on the “us” rather than the “me.”
Tonight I will probably take Aleeha dinner and then we will have dinner together and maybe we will talk but maybe not because every time we talk about this we both get upset. I’m supposed to go walking with Kim this afternoon after Etta’s class; I’m looking forward to it very much.
Ok, the things that get me, because that’s what I said in my title.
1-Tim can use the “God’s Plan” card when things are what he wants (such as me staying here or staying in the Social Work field or coming back and waiting for an assistive tech job to come open in this area rather than taking just any job) but whenever I try to say that maybe it’s just not God’s plan for me to be here or for us to be together etc, then he doesn’t think that’s possible.
2-Any time I try to get caught up-not just in school work but house work, to-I inevitably get even further behind somehow.
3-People who claim to be all about equal rights turn out to be the people who drag their feet about getting change made in that area.
4-I’m kind to everyone. I offer to help when I can and probably help a little too much honestly, but it’s ok or I tell myself it is, because I’m a kind person and i enjoy doing kind things. But when I want someone or need someone to do a kind thing for me, everyone who I’ve done kind things for just can’t find time or resources etc. Why? Can I trade my kindness trait for something else-anything else?
5-Why is it that someone who wants something more than anything can strive and strive for it and never get it, but someone else who could care less either way gets it almost every single time?
Ok. Deep stuff. Sorry. Some good things because I just can’t end on a negative note.
1-I love myself. Maybe not the situation or situations I’m in right now, and maybe I wish I had a few more or different things than I do, but I do love myself. I’m not depressed or suicidal or self-distructive etc.
2-Coffee and blogging and the weather and positive atmospheres are all good things.
3-Friends may come and go and I may be sad or feel so-so, but allowing circumstances to hold me down will never produce good results. So I’m thankful for the inner strength that I have, because without it, who knows where I would find myself.
4-Spring is early. This makes things a lot more pleasant because there is a lot more sunshine and sunshine makes happy smiley people.
5-I really am looking forward to assistive tech training. I love technology and I love the idea that I will be able to help someone else learn about the options availible for their use, not just in an academic way, but in an attempt to obtain independence as well. For me, there is no better feeling than the knowledge that I can and I don’t need anyone to do it for me.
And on that note, I’m going to go prepare for Etta’s class.
Until next time…