Happy, Hopeful, hurting, Humble

Ok so again, I haven’t written in a million years. I’m going to try to get the important stuff out here before I just ramble about my feelings on a lot of things as my title suggests.

School is wrapping up and I am totally glad. This semester has been crazy (ok, so was last semester but for different reasons) so I won’t be sad to see the back of it.

I’ve been meeting with Kim once a week just to hang out and encourage one another and that has been very nice. That is certainly one thing I will miss a lot whenever I leave.

I have worked a lot–I worked over Easter weekend because Tim was in Cincinnati and Aleeha was with her family–so I don’t have any awesome experience to write about. I woke and thanked the Lord for coming to save me from myself and for me, that was and is the only real significance. It would have been nice to celebrate His resurrection with someone special, but praising him and having time to spend just with Him was better than spending the day without knowing of His love and forgiveness and sacrifice.

Tuesday at work I took one of the online tests for my training for work. I was supposed to do the same on Thursday, but when I arrived, I found that they had asked a job coach come in and observe me to make recommendations for ways they could teach me better or make working there easier for me. I told them before they planned it and I told the guy whenever he came that I thought it was pointless because I was only going to be working there a few more weeks-a month at most-before it wouldn’t matter anymore, because I’m not even coming back for the fall. He said he could make the recommendations and whatever they did with them was up to them. So anyway, Monday I meet to take the sanitation test, which I will get paid to take, and Tuesday, hopefully, I can take the sexual harassment training and test, and I will be done with the testing.

Yesterday, I went to work and when home, met with Hope to sign the application officially for LWSB and also the amended plan for services from BSVI. We talked about the lagistics of the transition from Oxford to Little Rock and how to handle left over money from the University. Ultimately, as soon as the admissions coordinater gets back to us and lets us know the earliest date they have availible, that’s when I’ll go-which could be as early as the seventh of May.

I want to take a moment to write something for my friends Alex and Jessica because they will be married by this time next week and I am so happy for them. What I want to say is this: you guys are both very special people who I am blessed to know. We have had some problems separately and all together and I’m sure that friends go through that but please know that I wish you both the very best and hope that I am able to be around for the many years to come to encourage you both, to commiserate with you both, to support you both and love you both through all that will happen and cherish the friendship I have with you both and push you both to grow in one another and in Christ. Jessica you are young and strong-willed and short-tempered. You tend to form an opinion sometimes without having all sides of a situation and maybe even before bringing it to God, though I know I can’t be sure of that. That will be something that makes trouble for the two of you because you will have a short temper with Alex sometimes and you will be easily angered by small things having no way to get away from those little things that bother you. Alex you are older and because we lived together and loved together and shared together you know what it is like to live with the one you love, though it was before marriage and definitely out of God’s will, you do have some experience with this and know a little more how this can go. You are cautious and careful and worry easy. This will probably make some trouble for you both because you will worry about things that are under control or assume in some areas just when you think you have it under control that just because I did a wrong when we were together that Jessica may do that thing. Being with me was very hurtful for you because I was young and confused and made a lot of bad decisions that if I had made better ones, you would not have this cautiousness. But I can’t undo my mistakes you can’t pretend not to have these worries. The good news for both of you is that each of you have different weaknesses and different strengths. Together you can compliment one another if you allow yourselves. When God is the center of your relationship, you can make it through anything, and the years of love and laughter will prevail, because even when there are hard times, you can pray and you can count on God to pull you through, and as long as you make the decision to love one another and to stick to your wedding vows, nothing can tear you apart. I have a verse for each of you to please memorize and pray over. I have prayed for the two of you as a couple and as individuals and though I can’t be there at your wedding I am thinking of you all week as the anticipation builds and as the two of you prepare for this momentous commitment, I want you to both know that there is someone thinking of and praying for you. Jessica your verse is Ephesians 4:26-27: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.” As I said you will face anger and moments when you are so frustrated and refuse to be the first one to apologize, especially since you do not feel you were wrong so should not have to apologize when you were not the one who did wrong (in your own mind I mean.) But God’s word says that you cannot go to bed angry no matter what it takes to resolve that anger because that will give the devil a foothold in your marriage. I believe this to be true in any relationship, but especially in marriage when you are now to be as one, it would be hard to stop it once you started, because if you can go to bed angry one night, you can go to bed angry on another night, and yet one more etc etc. Please know that as your sister in Christ, I am commited to constantly praying for the two of you and for your quick temper. Alex your verse is Ephesians 5:28-31: “28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” As i said earlier, you worry and you are afraid and there are probably times you want to think that Jessica might do something that I did or maybe it is that you are afraid to give up some of the closeness with your mom and give that closeness to Jessica. Here I picked these verses to say that just as it is Jessica’s job to follow your lead, it is your job to take that lead, and to love and care for her. When you are afraid or worried about things that may never happen, you are doubting her. I know you both have done marriage counseling and maybe right now it doesn’t seem that these things are issues that you will face, but I am speaking to later, when it’s not just a few days or weeks together that will end once the vacation is up or once the holiday has finished. I’m talking to the days when the money isn’t there to pay the rent, the days when there are health problems or financial problems or housing problems or parenting problems. I’m talking about the time when your wedding vows are a far distant memory and when your first instinct will be to run back to your mom because she is the only woman who has ever stood by you and loved you. I hurt you and I messed that trust up for you, at least for a while, and maybe now you have that again with jessica, but the thing is, when something happens to shake that security or you have marital problems, you will worry again, and your first reaction might be to pull away from Jessica and trust only your mom. These verses are to remind you that not only are you supposed to be one with Jessica, not your mom, but also she needs you. She depends on you to care for her. I don’t mean in the materialistic sense-this is 2012-but she needs you the way you need her. The two of you have something precious. Don’t ever jeopardize it for the mistakes that I made. She is so much better for you than I ever could have been. I’m so happy for the two of you.

Wow. And now I’m supposed to follow that sappy encouraging stuff up with the frustrations in my own life. . . . Sure. . .

I am happy. Happy that Alex and Jessica found one another. Happy that Adriene got to move into the new apartment in Kansas City she wanted. Hopeful for her that her boyfriend will come home. Happy that this semester is almost over. Happy that I have such a wonderful friend in Kim. Happy that I’ve gotten the opportunity to go to LWSB to study assistive tech, because I could have been drug through this whole process for proving my right to go or through proving that there is no assistive tech program comparable to it closer than Arkansas. Happy that my professors have worked with me so much this semester because there have definitely been some issues, especially in the month that my braille display was gone.

I am hopeful. I’m hopeful that Alex and Jessica’s new life together is all they’ve hoped and dreamed it would be. Hopeful that Adriene’s boyfriend comes back soon. Hopeful that I pass all of my classes despite the trouble this semester. Hopeful that I get into LWSB sooner rather than later because I don’t want to spend my summer waiting on it to be time. Hopeful that somehow I can get out of my lease if I do get to go early. Hopeful that Tim and I can make it through this. Hopeful that we can work through our problems and when I finish the program I can get a job close enough for us to be long-distance until some things can be sorted out about what will happen to our relationship. I’m hopeful that I will enjoy the program as much as I think I will now and that I will learn things I didn’t know before. I’m hopeful that I will make new friends there and that I can have some time alone with God without distraction or temptation to sort out some of my feelings. I’m hopeful that my youngest brother can keep the job he has, that my stepsister can find a new job, that my mom and stepdad will have another job to go to after they finish the one in North Carolina, that the older of my two younger brothers has what he needs to provide for his precious baby girl, that my sister someday sees how I care for her and my nephew and want to be a bigger part of their lives, that my grandma stays healthy, that my cousin’s little girl stays healthy and that my cousin has what she needs to provide for her. I could list a lot more of the things that I’m hopeful for, but this is a good place to start.

I am hurting. I’m hurting for my sister Jessica who will leave all that she knows and loves to move to a big city that she’s afraid will eat her whole. I know she’s happy but there’s a sad part to, in that she won’t see her mother or family and friends as much as she used to, and all of the things that she has known to be one way or another are no longer what they once were. That no matter how you put it, is hurtful for her and I hurt with her, my sister, because it always helps to know that someone thinks of your pain. That no matter how happy things seem, there is always some sadness on the flip side of that happiness. I’m hurting for Adriene, because she has tried so hard to find love with a man who will love her and her children unconditionally, but once again is waiting for answers she may never get. She is hurting and though she may not read this, though she may not know I am thinking of her and though she chooses not to talk much to me, I pray for her and I hurt with her and I beg God everyday to show her the way that he would have her go. I know she wants to be happy but right now she’s hurting and she matters to me, so I am hurting, to. I’m hurting for my Memaw whose husband is very sick and she is trying to provide for by working but also to care for his health needs. She stresses with worry for different people in our family and that doesn’t help her take care of Pawpaw Haywood or to sleep at night so she can go to work and start all over again. I wish there was something I could do for her, and yet, all I can do is sit down each night and pray. That something would happen. That someone would step up to help or that some of the stress would stop existing. My God is greater and through Him alone we can do all things. I’m hurting over the problems that Tim and I are having. I want things to be better but it seems that we have good times or good feelings when coming together physically, but I can say i know that I am outside the will of God when doing that and feel we have gotten totally out of hand. I’m hurting because before I moved here we didn’t have this problem and our relationship was innocent and pure and we were in prayer and in God’s Word together everyday and choosing what he would want for us all the time. I’m hurting for Tim because even though we are making bad choices, I know that me leaving will be hard on him and I pray everyday that he would understand that sometimes loving someone is making a decision to allow them to go for the things they feel led to do, and if it’s God’s will for you to come together in a different season, then you will. I’m hurting because I want to rebuild what we have in a way that is free of the accusation and expectation and frustration that has filled this time together, but I just do not see that happening. It will be something I offer up to God in prayer a lot in the coming months because the confusion I feel over our relationship is hard to face every single day.

More than all of these things, though, I am humble. Before my God who makes all things work for the the good of those who love Him, I am humble. He has given me this family. These friends. This day to live and laugh and love and learn and breathe and bask in the outpouring of His mercy and grace. He has given me these problems to face because He knows that this is what I need now. No one likes to think that the problems in their life are good for them, because all they see at that moment is pain and maybe persecution by those who claim to love them most or maybe they face persuasion by those who claim to have their best interests in mind. Either way, no one likes to think that the difficulties that they face are good. But I know because I believe with all of my heart, that God is using this time in my life, these troubles, to speak to me and to mold me into the woman he wants me to be. I am somedays frustrated. I am somedays tired of reaching and reaching and reaching and feeling as though I will never reach the goal. But through it all I know that each day is bringing me closer and closer to a new truth in Christ–a truth I either don’t know yet and need to know or a truth that I’ve learned before but have forgotten and need to be reminded of.

And so most of all I am humbled. Because humility helps you to see the good in others and the positive that comes from situations rather than focusing on what you can do by yourself. I’m humbled by my God’s ability to bring each member of my family and each of my friends to the place where they are now. My youngest brother was searching and searching for a job and now he has one. I believe with all my heart that this was from God because he didn’t even know at the time how he would get to and from this job when he took it because he did not have a car. But God provided even a guy from the job who was willing to drive him to and from the 45 minutes each way. I’m humbled by the way God has reached into each of the lives around me and made something special and good out of something that could have been problematic or bad.

When I know nothing else, I know that I should try being humble, because I find a completely different perspective when doing so. I have much more than many, yet there are days when i complain about having to deal with this or that or the other. What does it matter? I at least have food and clothes and a place to sleep.

If you made it this far you get a cookie–I wasn’t even sure I would, so there!

Tomorrow I have to work and I started writing this post I think like an hour and a half or so ago. I guess that’s what happens whenever you have a lot to say. I want to close with a worship song that I have been feeling Jesus speaking to me through lately.

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2 thoughts on “Happy, Hopeful, hurting, Humble

  1. jldiaz421

    All I can say is I loved your entry and thank you. You are so wise and everything you said is healing and totally true. Thanks for standing for what I might do and Alex might do as far as some mistakes we might face. it shows you love us both. Promise if you go to lsb in may you will visit when done smiley. Thank you.

    • I totally do love you both and only want to see you succeed. I have prayed that I would never choose sides and that I would be able to listen to each of you if you each came to me and that without pretending to know what the situation was, I would try to share what I know of God’s love and grace, because really that is all any of us have–God’s love and grace. All else can be gone in an instant.

      As to LWSB: yes if I go before being able to go to you then I will come after while searching for a job or between moving and job starting time or something. I will make time. I have to make time.

      I am glad that what I have shared has been a comfort to you-that’s what I mean it to be. I only hope you will copy it or come back to read it when feeling down or discouraged.

      Much love.

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