I’ve written several things all spaced out and at different times. I didn’t timestamp them, so pardon me if they aren’t actually making much since for you. It started before my birthday and so far has gone into mid-November.
So I haven’t written since we came home—things have been slightly hectic. As it has been almost a month since we’ve come home, I suppose I should update, at least a little.
Ben did not like getting on the plane, but we did manage quite well. He took medicine and had bandages changed several times for about two weeks after. Two weeks after we got home, I somehow caught an awful cold which left me coughing and sneezing and unable to breathe, speak, or in general, function without an assortment of meds in my system, and even then functioning was still a bit dicy.
Anyway, I’m better and have been slowly trying to get a bit of a normal schedule back (read as, stop sleeping all day etc.) Tim went home to see his family this weekend and I spent a lot of that time praying and just searching. Whether I want to or not, I feel I need to write some of this down, because it was deep stuff and a lot for me to realize, and we are still fighting about it and I’m just unsure as to what should be done. I know that I have to consider his feelings, but I feel that he should consider mine as well. For now, because I want to write about a few other things, let’s just say I know that some things have to change and I need to work through them before deciding exactly how the changing will take place.
Apple announced the iPhone 5 last week in a keynote which Tim and Aleeha and I all watched together. Today we will be able to update our phones, since today is the day the new iOS is supposed to come out. Today also happens to be my birthday, so I suppose this would be as good a time as any to talk about what I’ve gotten for my birthday so far.
Aleeha paid for dinner for me Sunday evening, when she came with me to sit and wait for Tim’s dad to come and go. We were at a Mexican restaurant called Fiesta Charra that I like here. That was very nice because it was unexpected. Tim bought me a new set of what Apple is calling Earpods, which are an update to the apple earbuds they’re using now. The design is different, and the sound input as well as output, is supposed to be improved. He also bought me a wireless keyboard, which I like very much, except this one thing, which is that I do not have an insert key-or not that I can find-and the function keys are set for hardware functions rather than software ones, which means I have to press the function key along with the function key number that I want in order to get the windows function, such as renaming a file, or bringing up help. Tim also wants to take me out to dinner tonight, and I have chosen the same place that I went with Aleeha Sunday night, because I like it and it’s my birthday and I can. My mom and her husband sent me an envelope with a card in it which has been brailled on index cards as well as some cash. She asked me about folding money when asking for my address, so she sort of tipped her hand there. Jessica, when we were in Washington D.C., bought me this really nice expensive bottle of perfume which I really like from Victoria Secret. Basically, I‘ve had a really good birthday. Getting to go on vacation was very nice and I also waxed my legs and underarms this month which was supposed to be my birthday present to myself.
So many people have called and written on facebook today. It’s been a bit of a surprise to me, and especially the people who have taken the time to call. Most especially is my cousin and his wife with their girls, who I didn’t even realize had my number. I guess if it’s on facebook, anyone who is friends with me can see it. Anyway, it was surprising and nice and made me feel just a little bit awkward because though we had traded messages on facebook a couple times, I didn’t expect to actually hear from them on the phone.
Dusty called, which hasn’t been as infrequent an occurance as it used to be, but still infrequent enough for me to be pleasantly surprised anytime it does happen.
Now, as to the things going on between Tim and I: the short story is that he’s close to his family but they don’t like me and yet I am too far away from my own family to spend any time with them, he doesn’t mind having to depend on people for things on a regular basis but it drives me insane, he can’t cook if it can’t be cooked in a microwave or on the grill while I do at least brave the stove and oven on a regular basis and am not afraid of them, he’s got his friends and his family and is content to live and work in a tiny town where you have nothing but college-aged students and restaurants while I miss living in the city. He couldn’t walk anywhere if his life depended on it with his cane if for some reason he couldn’t work his dog while I have deliberately chosen to use my cane rather than a dog. I could go on and on about the problems, but these are definitely enough to be starting with.
I’m not sure what started the problems with Tim’s family, because they were beginning to show before I moved back from Little Rock to live in the same apartment with him and before I left for Little Rock, I did have my own apartment, though his dad probably knew I stayed the night sometimes, he did also know that I had my own apartment. The part about them not liking me is very hard because I have tried to do all of the right things and still those things were not enough. If I complained or made it sound as though we had problems, I never said anything good, and while I named all the problems I did just above this, I could also name a million reasons why I love him. That not being the point, I’ll move on.
I really feel that the problems with his family are a big deal for me because I want a family to love me. I mean my family does love me and I know that if I could see them more they would want to see me, or at least I hope they would, but I can’t. And I deliberately chose to stay here with Tim because I love him, and yet, that is not enough. Or he says it is to him, but he doesn’t put his foot down with his family when they say rude or disrespectful things to him about me. I have truly tried to love him and do all I can to make him happy but every time I hear something rude that he says they said to him or every time I leave the house so his dad can come drop him off, I feel horrible, like not good enough for anything. But mostly it’s that even if they were willing to allow me to come to their house for various celebrations or whatever, it would only be to make Tim happy or to keep the peace or insure that Tim came. They would have me come because they really wanted there, so I feel like that would almost be worse, because I would be around a nice loving caring family who didn’t really love or care for or respect me at all, but instead, who were just being kind for their son’s sake. I want to be wanted by a family. I don’t want to be tolerated. I want to be respected because a family thinks that there is something inside me worth respecting, not because it is required of them by their son. Some people say I should just let it happen as it will, and if the respect is forced at first, perhaps it will eventually be freely given when they are required to spend time with you. But for me, I am afraid that if I settle in the beginning, then I will always settle, and things will never get any better and if we get married, I know I won’t leave because I just do not think that divorce is the right thing to do. If you promise forever then you need to be willing to give forever, or you shouldn’t be promising it in the first place.
Adding to the fact that his family does not like me is the fact that I can’t even go see my own family. I can’t spend time with them. I can’t get to know my niece and nephew. I can’t spend time with my elderly grandmother or my uncle. My cousins (one of who does also have a daughter) either. It’s like I just feel so alone here. Tim has friends and family and everything he could ever want. And I have … what? Him? Only him. So when he’s gone spending time with his family or doing whatever with his friends and I’m not included, it just makes me feel that much more unloved or unhappy or unwanted. And I’m tired of that. I’m tired of feeling like an afterthought. The one who cooks and cleans and holds him at night when that’s what he wants or gets him off when that’s what he wants…but who isn’t good enough to be around for family functions. I do everything for him. I cook and clean and do laundry. I love and support him when his family are fighting and he doesn’t know how to feel or what to think because it’s not how things were for him growing up. I hug and kiss him and wipe away his tears and promise that everything will be better. Everything will all get better just wait just give it time God knows what he’s doing just have faith. I promise these things and I pray for them for him I pray that they will get better. But his family thinks I treat him like crap. On days he wants it I bring lunch to his office and walk up just to walk him home because it’s a short walk and on nice days it’s a nice thing to do with someone you love. When he feels he doesn’t do well enough I assure him that he does and try to do whatever I can to build his confidence in himself. But I treat him like crap, according to his family. And I feel like that is the thing I can’t get out of my head. What the hell else can I do to treat him better?
Something I said to Tim a couple nights ago was, ‘if I never could do anything right, if I never could get anything right, I believe I could be a mom. I feel that’s the one thing I could probably get right and if I never have anything, that’s the one thing I want-to be a mom.’
He said he did to and he hoped that for us, that we could be parents, together, and one day it would happen though he didn’t know when, he knew we could do it-be parents. And then i explained my fears. I explained how, all the things he doesn’t know how to do for himself, all the lifeskills he has chosen not to learn, they are all going to be essential in raising a kid. You can’t feed a child only microwaved foods. You can’t put a child’s clothes on inside out and expect them to survive, emotionally, in a first-grader’s classroom, you can’t just think it done. If you don’t know how and you don’t choose to learn things about how, then you won’t be able to do them. And he says that he does want to learn, and if I think he won’t do whatever he can to be the best dad he can be, then I have another thing coming. And though I believe that he would do whatever he could with whatever he knew, I do not believe, unless he starts learning some things now, he will know much more that would be helpful when raising a kid than what he knows now. He says he is willing to learn and I want to believe him, but he has said that before and nothing has changed because he’s gotten busy; too busy to care about learning things his live-in girlfriend already does for him anyway.
Work is obviously another thing that I worry about. When I’m done with my course and I can apply for jobs, I will have to wait for a job somewhere around our area or just let that pretty certification sit and gather dust. I know that it’s possible for me to get a job close by. I know that there are places near us that offer services to the blind. But that doesn’t mean that any of those places will be hiring when I’m looking for work. This is a minor thing; not really worth writing about because I’m sure that whenever we crossed that bridge we could sort it out, but I mention it because right now there are a lot of things going through my head from various conversations that I’ve had in the past couple days and it’s a way of getting back into writing my feelings down.
Something I read in someone else’s journal caught my attention and I want to repost it here (giving all credit to her, of course.) She is a young woman who writes
A couple things, actually, and if she ever finds me here and feels she hasn’t gotten enough credit for her work or I should have cited her specific post, I will admit that I haven’t taken the time to find the exact links and for that I may be wrong. But I’m not ashamed of copying because I am crediting her and if I’m not linking to the exact entry, I am linking to her specifically, so that makes me feel a little better.
So when she wrote this post, she was torn between what she think she wants and what she doesn’t think she can still have, and the two are so close they’re almost inseparable, but the difference, because there is a difference seems as wide as the grand canyon to her. Anyway, she is asking herself how can she know what is the right thing? How can she choose the right choice when all she wants is right in front of her but it seems like the wrong thing for one or two very small (to most people) reasons but very big ones to her? This is what she writes:
“. . . I know so many things I didn’t know two weeks ago when I flew to London. I know everything except what to do next. Did you ever dream about something so hard and so long and wish for it with all your heart for so many years that when your wish finally came true it took you a long time to realize that while you were wishing and dreaming you’d also been changing, and now what you’d been dreaming of all those years might be the wrong dream? That it was the dream you would have died for yesterday, before you became who you are today? How long did it take you to realize that when the dream finally came true, it was the wrong dream? Or was it the right dream, but now you were the wrong dreamer? . . . What if it will never be the right dream again? What if climbing aboard this dream that’s so almost right makes it impossible to ever find the right dream? . . . What if I fuck everything up again? What if I fuck up my last chance for happiness because I always want too much? Why do I always ask too much? I always want Everything or Nothing, I can never just settle for Something, and this is the best Something I’ve ever been offered, this Something is so close to being Everything. It’s only the thickness of a knife edge between this Something and the Everything I’ve always wanted, but that difference is like a knife through my heart, it’s like a knife twisting in my guts to think of how far this Something is from Everything, it’s so close and yet it’s worlds away, worlds and worlds . . . I could fall through that gap and keep on falling forever, and never get a second chance . . . .”
I feel like Stella. I feel like the dream I’ve dreamed and the thing I’ve wanted…this is sort of it…but now that I could have it…now that I could settle for this and accept all the other problems that go along with it…just to have the house and kids and family…someday…if they ever like me…If Tim and I ever get married…if we ever have kids…if if if if…
If a lot of things happen then this would be the right dream and if I thought all those things could happen maybe I could take this dream…but I feel it deep inside me that they never will, and so it feels like the wrong dream…just by this much…Just by the thickness of a piece of cardboard. Or the thickness of an index card.
Below this, I had posted something about getting what you want from someone else’s journal, but I took it out because I feel that explaining what I meant by that was a little difficult-more difficult than I care to try to work out how to say-so that particular version of the post, I’ll keep to myself, for myself.
But back again to something that Stell says, because she says something else about dreams:
Not every dream can come true.
Really? This is not the sort of thing you usually hear coming from me, is it? I’m always the one saying, Make a wish on the evening star and may all your dreams come true! Aren’t I? Yeah, that’s me, all right, stelladellasera, Stella with the starry eyes. I haven’t lost my dreams. I’m still dreaming and I’m still handing out wishes on stars, but please turn that wish over and read the fine print on the little label before you press play: Not every dream comes true.
Every love, every relationship, every human arrangement of love, lust and hope, is a dream. A vision of the world as it might be or ought to be or you hope it could be. Every time you fall in love with someone or try to build a relationship with someone or more than one someone, what you’re really doing is saying, This is how the world should be! I should love her, she should love me! Or maybe her and her and her and him and them and they should all love me! Listen up, World! This is the plan! The one(s) I love should give me her heart and her life and all her love and I should give her mine, because that’s our dream, and the world should give us room to love, give us the time and space and understanding to build our dream life together. Our love should be the center of the world, our own world. Love builds little worlds out of hope, and every world is a dream. But not every dream can come true.
When a couple you care about break up, it destroys the whole world. Or it feels that way. One little world, anyway, their own little world, and it rattles your world too. If their dream can’t come true, what went wrong with the world? They’re both my friends, I care about them, we’ve shared so many things, we’re alike in so many ways, I want them both to be happy. If they can’t be happy together and their world is falling apart, what does that mean? Could my world crumble too? When things go wrong with a couple in love it makes you wonder. It makes you cry, for them, for their dream, and maybe for yourself. What would it be like to go through what they’re going through right now? What if you lost the woman you love? It would be like losing the whole world.
I’ve been there. You have too. Everyone has gone through a bad break up with someone they still loved, or who still loved you, or both. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault. It’s not because you don’t love each other anymore. It might be because you love each other too much, or not in the same way, or not in the right way. It might be life, your life or your two or more lives pulling you apart. You’ve tried and tried, but it doesn’t work anymore. The dream has failed. What went wrong? Maybe you shared one dream that split into two very different dreams, or your two dreams once thought they were the same dream, but now they’ve grown in two different directions. Now your world is trying to contain two very different dreams that wanted so much to be together, but now they can’t possibly exist simultaneously in the same time and space. Like matter and anti-matter. Light and darkness. Fire and ice. Freedom and slavery. Love and–love. It doesn’t matter that all the love is still there, there’s no there left for the love to live in. It breaks your heart. It’s like walking through a nightmare. It’s like a dream dying.
No, not me. My world is not falling apart. Not me and Lucia. No one on the Island is breaking up or in trouble. No one here even has a zit. Okay, maybe one zit, and a little sunburn. We’re growing and thriving, our dreams are coming true. We have wishes to share and sunshine to spare and stars to scatter like diamond dust. I have a woman in my life who is the moon and the stars and the sun to me. She’s my whole world. Not because I’m so smart. Me? Smart mouth, smart ass, smarty pants, too smart for my own good maybe, but I’m not that smart. I got lucky. I know how lucky I am. I made an impossible wish for an unbelievable dream and pressed play and it came true. It’s still coming true.
But all of us here have had dreams that did not come true. You have too. Dreams that could not come true, that should not have come true, that would have turned out to be nightmares. I think that’s true of everyone in the world, but I’ll speak only for the Island. I know us the best. And it’s because of those dreams that did not come true that we’re living the dreams we’re living today. Every single one of us: A doomed dream had to die so the right dream could live.
To build the Island, relationships died, dreams died, loves died, lovers died, whole worlds crumbled into dust. Failed relationships, first loves, lost loves, ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends, exes for good reasons (for Ciara, Kelly, Danny, Josh). Everyday dreams, with what turned out to be the wrong people: We’ve all been there. A serious and creative but damaging four-way love affair (for Ronnie and Annie) with another female couple, who broke up and dissolved into craziness and self-destruction. A dangerous dream. Broken formal engagements (Rachel’s, Caitie’s, Lucia’s) to the wrong partners, very wrong partners and good God men of all things, complete with church dates and wedding invitations and cake reservations and white dresses and diamond rings. Deceptive dreams, false dreams. A doomed marriage (mine) to a guy I never should have married and a vicious divorce that couldn’t be over fast enough. A really dumb dream. A lost once-in-a-lifetime chance (mine again) to belong to the only man I ever loved, but who was not the woman who is the love of my life (see above, the “getting lucky” part). The wrong dream, so close but so far away from being the right dream. The sudden death of a beautiful but very troubled lover and partner (Eva’s) who died way too young. A wild rollercoaster ride of a dream cut short. All these dreams apparently had to die so each of us could find the right dream, the one we were each meant to live. And so the Island could be born and grow and become what it’s becoming, a home and a family for all eleven of us. A place where all our dreams have a pretty good chance of coming true.
Dreams live on hope. Sometimes when a dream runs out of hope it has to die, so another dream can be born and take its place. Maybe the right dream is right around the corner, waiting for the old dream to make room. Sometimes breaking up is the right thing for a couple to do, maybe sometimes it’s the only thing to do, the thing that breathes the most hope into the world for both of them, even though there’s so much pain you feel like the world is coming to an end. One little world does come to an end, but at least two new worlds and maybe more take its place and grow. And new dreams and new loves renew the whole world.
And of course she is so right and what if, what if, she is? What if this life this love this place this time this thing, what if it’s the wrong place and time and thing and person and dream? I want Tim, he wants me, but it just seems things keep trying and trying and trying to push us apart. Why? What is it that makes us feel so distant from one another? Well ok, it’s me that feels distant but it’s him that feels stuck. It’s him that tries and tries to love me and still feels he gets the short end of the stick all because of how his family is acting.
There’s sometimes something to be said for starting all over or stepping away and seeing how things change over time if you’re apart or seeing other people or not seeing anyone at all or just living your own lives and letting the world coast along. But that isn’t what I chose. There were some very upsetting things and I won’t go into them here because they were very painful for me, for Tim, for the friends who loved us through this thing that happened, but it was very big and very scary and we almost did go separate directions. But then I had a serious conversation with a special person who I love and respect very much and she said, what if this thing, this fear, this moment, you’re worried about, what if it’s just your fear and your past and your worry over something that will never be? What if you’re projecting your fear of past situations onto what is the current situation? Maybe it wasn’t on purpose, maybe he didn’t mean it, maybe you didn’t, either. And maybe you love one another to start again and make it through this.
And so we will try. I am afraid and right now the plan is for us to wait one year to see what his family does, and of course, those are all upsetting contemplations, but basically, this is it. The last thing. I don’t know anything else to try and if they haven’t found a place where they can at least respect me and allow me to be a part of things without making me feel completely miserable and unwelcome, then we’ll let it go. We’ll start probably sometime around August or September to accept that it won’t change and I’ll start making plans for whatever I’m going to do next. It’s hard and it’s confusing and there are certainly other issues that need to be addressed, but as of right now, the biggest part of it is dealing with his family. I feel like if we could get that part under control, maybe I could find a way to deal with the rest.
I’ll write again soon about the recent activities. This is long enough and I’ve put off the posting of it long enough.
So until next time…